Sleepless

I am so tired. I am so exhausted. I feel like I’ve been run over by a truck. Something is wrong. I haven’t felt right in weeks. Steadily I have been losing weight. Food feels disgusting in my mouth. I can’t stand the texture. It makes me want to gag. Even things I like taste good for only a bite or two.

I have been reaching for something to make me feel good. Something cute to wear. Something to take my mind away from what goes through my head over and over again.

These voices inside that are full of self doubt. What am I doing with my life? Why can’t I succeed? I can’t help but compare myself to others my age and younger. I see them going places while I remain stagnant.

What is the point of going to school? What is the point of waking up?

The first one I don’t know how to answer. I thought I had a plan and then I panicked and changed it. Now the new plan… does it even matter? I feel worthless. What am I learning in these classes? Stagnant.

I wake up for my pets. They need me. They give me purpose. It gives me reason and will to live because I must feed them. Water them. Talk to them. Pet them. I do it every single morning before I take my vitamins and my pills.

After that. What? The sense of dread and anxiety starts. I don’t know what I am doing. I keep reaching. I play stupid mobile games but no longer care about getting X character. Yeah who cares. Set the game down.

Watch the same shit. Fall asleep. Wake up feeling even more like I was hit by a truck.

I find joy in building. Sites. Worlds. Getting shit started.

But when it’s time to play.

Where does it go? The will to do it. The will is not there. But I keep grasping for it. Hoping I will feel it again. The sense of purpose. No. The sense of joy.

I cannot stop crying. I don’t know why. I am back. Exactly back where I was when I desperately reached out for mental health help.

I am medicated and I feel exactly the same way. Maybe. Maybe even worse.

Why can’t I stop crying? I feel selfish. Ungrateful. I feel like an awful human being. I have so many things in my life to be happy for. Family who loves me deeply. A husband who loves me even if I don’t feel like he does right now. I have so many beautiful pets who need me.

And all I can think about. All I can see is my own misery. And I hate it.

I was always anxious. My whole life. But this deep sense of sadness. I don’t know what to do with it. I just want it to stop. I just want to feel happy again. I don’t know how.

I need help. But I don’t know where to go. Medications. No. They were a miracle for some things. But for the rest? Pointless.

Because here I am. 4am. Typing this on my phone with tears running down my face. And I feel this dark. Horrible. Knot of misery and pain in my chest and my throat and my head. I feel it in my legs my toes. I just want it to stop. Please make it stop.

Rachel Aseltine

Rachel Aseltine

R.A. Aseltine is an author and roleplayer living in California with her husband, guinea pig, and five cats.

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